How To Prepare Your Vehicle For The Zombie Apocalypse

If there is one thing television has taught us over the years, it is that the zombie apocalypse is coming. Whether it is the slow and dim-witted walkers of the increasingly boring The Walking Dead, the more athletic and angry ragers of World War Z, or the hybrid zombies of Netflix’s excellent Kingdom series, it is more than obvious that hordes of the undead will soon be upon us. That’s just a fact and there is no getting around it.

When it comes down to the zombie apocalypse, there really are only two stark choices. You can panic like a noob, act scared, get bitten, turn into the undead, and spend the rest of your days wandering around drooling on yourself. Or you can hunker down, apply your brain before it is consumed, and figure out how to survive the situation.

Here at The Dirt, we are all about survival. None of us want to be the first person to bite the dust in the apocalypse. After all, there is probably going to be some pretty cool stuff to see. And, we imagine there would be a lot less traffic and lines, which is a major plus. When it comes to tactics or what type of machete will work best to increase your chances of survival, there are plenty of other sites for that. But when it comes to getting your vehicle ready to take on an uprising of the undead, you have come to the right place and we can sort you out.

Before you accuse us of having tin foil wrapped around our heads (technically it is aluminum foil), please note that this article is mostly for fun. But this article does have a benefit to those who are not overly paranoid about the undead. Whether you believe the end is near or not, you can use it as a compelling argument with your significant other (or even yourself) to buy some sweet parts. After all, does anyone really want to see their loved ones turned into zombies? Nope and these parts will help keep you human. If that isn’t justification enough for their purchase, we don’t know what to tell you. Let’s take a look at what can help you successfully navigate the upcoming zombie apocalypse.

Tires To Take On Anything

Everything we know about the zombie apocalypse from television leads us to believe things will be…umm…gooey. It is either steadily raining or somehow always strangely warm like in The Walking Dead. However, there always seems to be mud and lots of it. Naturally, you are going to want a mud-terrain tire but not just any mud-terrain. The two biggest concerns are going to be getting stuck, or a flat as either can lead to your premature demise. Things like tread-wear warranties, road noise, and highway ride can be thrown entirely out the window. What you are looking for are maximum puncture resistance and some serious mud-slinging capability. We would go for the most aggressive mud-terrain there is and maybe even a bias ply. Yes, they are a bit old school but have extremely thick sidewalls. And we would figure out a way to carry at least two spares on us at all times as chances are the local 4WP store might be not be staffed by the living. Also, make sure to practice changing tires as you will want to be as fast as a NASCAR pit crew when a horde of walkers are descending upon you.

Getting Jacked

While a lot of people remember the need for a serious spare tire, many forget about taking a proper jack. The zombie apocalypse is no time to discover that the flimsy factory jack that came with your 4×4 isn’t going to cut it. A farm jack (or sometimes referred to by the brand name Hi-Lift) is very useful for helping to get unstuck or fix broken parts on the trail. However, you have to make sure that your vehicle has a proper jacking point for one. If it doesn’t carrying a more conventional floor type jack that has been modified for off-road use, like a Pro Eagle, is a better solution. In bad stucks though, there sometimes isn’t a way to get a floor-type jack under the vehicle. If it were up to us, we would carry one of each as they both have their uses.

Bumpers That Bash

Whether you a pushing an abandoned Prius out of the way, smashing down the gate of a hippy commune, or making your way through a horde of walkers you are going to need a better front bumper. That flimsy stock one built with maximizing gas mileage and crumple zones in mind isn’t going to cut it. While aftermarket bumpers high and tight to the body might be trending right now, we would avoid them for this particular purpose. You are going to want something that gives maximum protection to the front of the vehicle as well as the radiator area. Chances are high that you will actually have to use your new bumper, so it needs to have some room to squish. A decent hole through the radiator also means your vehicular days are over, so it has to protect that area as well. More minimalist bumpers tight to the body might look clean and maximize approach angle, but big and beefy are better for this apocalyptic application.

Plug That Hole

Just like tire repair kits are useful on the trail, they can also come in handy during the end times. Without getting graphic, you are probably going to have to drive over and through things you usually wouldn’t, so small punctures will be more common. Most of these can be repaired if you are handy with a puncture repair kit. We have seen some amazing repairs made of much larger holes in tires by those much more talented than us. Remember, tires are not going to be exactly easy to find post-apocalypse so you will need to take good care of the ones you have. Having to get rid of a tire and wander into a dimly lit, possibly zombie-infested tire store because you didn’t have a tire repair kit would be not ideal.

Keep Your Beads

Beadlock wheels are often thought of as only for racers or hardcore trail use, but they have applications in more zombie-rich environments too. First off, they allow you to air down to single digit pressures without fear of blowing a bead off the wheel. Many just think of this as having the benefit of better traction and a bigger footprint on the trail. However, airing way down is often the only thing you need to do to get unstuck in softer terrain. It obviously won’t work if you are high-centered on rocks or down to the frame in mud but it can get you out of a jam in other situations.

The other benefit of beadlocks is they allow you to run on a flat tire without having to worry about the tire coming off the wheel. While this might not be of much help on the trail, it can make a significant difference if some Negan wannabe is chasing you on the road and has blown out one of your tires. One thing we know from watching countless episodes of Cops is that it is much easier to drive on a tire (even if it is flat) than just a wheel. 

Winch Your Way To Safety

If you have a big, burly bumper protecting the nose of your rig like you should, you might as well stuff a winch in it. A winch can be the difference between digging for hours and praying a herd doesn’t come upon you or just quickly running some cable, hitting a switch, and being on your merry way. They also have a multitude of uses in the apocalypse. In every season of The Walking Dead, it seems like there is always the same scenario. A convoy comes across some trees that have fallen across the road. Inevitably, one of them wonders if the recent storm blew the trees across the road (no it didn’t Rosita). Then they get our their axes or machetes and slowly go to work removing the trees. Of course, it is a trap (just like it was five episodes ago) and a horde of zombies or bandits or both descends upon them. With a winch, those trees could be cleared in a couple of minutes keeping you relatively ambush free.

Light Up Your Life

When it comes to lighting during the zombie apocalypse, you really have to walk a fine line. You don’t want enough lights to signal every zombie, cannibal or marauder in a 5-mile radius your location, but just enough to get around. There are also times when it can be beneficial to see if a zombie horde is blocking the roadway way before you get to it. With that in mind, we would run one light that is capable of throwing a reasonable distance with the rest being flood beams. A 360-degree setup of light is also ideal so nothing can sneak up on you from a dark spot. And, we would get the highest quality lights we could afford. Trying to contact your eBay seller to replace your non-functioning light probably isn’t going to be an option so choose wisely.

Staying Chill

No, we aren’t going overlanding or even poseurlanding, but a portable refrigerator can come in pretty handy. We imagine that the power would eventually go out in a zombie uprising. It is not going to be immediate, but walkers are going to make their way into your local power plant sooner or later and then all hell is going to break loose. Sure you can survive off of can goods for a while, but eventually cat food gets old. If you can somehow source some fresh food that requires refrigeration, a rugged and vehicle-mounted fridge makes a lot of sense. With a reliable battery and a good solar panel, you can have a pretty much infinite supply of power and never need to worry about ice. And even if you can’t find or hunt fresh food, we would imagine that an ice-cold beer after a long day of dealing with the undead would really hit the spot.

Bulletproof Batteries

Speaking of batteries now is the time to invest in a good one. A bargain battery with a warranty isn’t really going to help you out here. Only the most dedicated of auto parts store employees will still be around and chances are they will have been turned long ago. Having them exchange your battery for a working one really isn’t an option. Calling roadside assistance or asking some stranger with a baseball bat wrapped in barbwire for a jumpstart when your crappy battery fails isn’t a good plan either.

What you want is a rugged battery that can withstand harsh use and vibration. Absorbed Glass Mat (AGM) batteries fit this bill as they don’t have traditional lead plates that often fail from vibration. They are not filled with electrolytes or fluids like other batteries either. This not only means that they are vibration proof, but they can be mounted in any orientation and can even function if a hole gets blasted in them. Plus, with their quality construction, they tend to last a lot longer than the typical cheap battery. If there is one thing you want from your vehicle when a zombie horde is descending upon you, it is for it to start.

Suspension That Works

First off, when it comes to anything involving the zombie apocalypse, it is going to be function over flash every single time. No self-respecting zombie cares about your sweet Angry Birds grille or how many halos your LED headlight conversion has. The same goes for suspension. You shouldn’t be thinking solely about how much lift you can get from a new suspension. Yes, bigger tires are definitely going to help in the apocalypse, but you want a suspension that works and absorbs bumps better as well. Plus, if you sky your ride so high that you have to search for a ladder to get in it, you will quickly become zombie food. And, it will all be for nothing if your ginormous tires quickly snap an axle because you wanted your apocalypse mobile to look intimidating. Better bumper absorption and increased articulation or wheel travel should be at the top of your list when it comes to suspension modifications.

Roof Top Living

Again, we aren’t going overlanding, but a rooftop tent could actually come in pretty handy. Attached to your vehicle, it gives you shelter and a place to sleep no matter where you go. There is no need to poke around in abandoned buildings hoping they are zombie free when looking for a place to sleep. Just set up your tent, get in it, and enjoy the peace and quiet of the apocalypse.

Of course, the big caveat here is what type of zombie you are dealing with. As long as you keep quiet, the more traditional slower and dumber kind of zombie will probably just walk right on by your roof-mounted tent. However, if you are dealing with the more angry and athletic type of zombie (or infected) from World War Z, they will probably just tear right through the thin walls of your tent in short order. How do you know what type of zombie the apocalypse will bring? There really is no way to predict it and that is all part of the fun!

What Type Of Vehicle?

This really isn’t a modification per se, but what vehicle should you pick if you are just starting to build one for the for-certain-to-happen zombie apocalypse? It is definitely a hard choice as Jeeps, trucks, and SUVs can all fit the bill. If you look at areas where a form of the apocalypse has already happened such as war zones, the Toyota Hilux and Land Cruiser are extremely popular. Part of this is because those are the vehicles on hand in those regions. But the other significant reasons are because they are extremely reliable, rugged, not overly complicated and easy to fix. You don’t have to import a Hilux or an overseas Land Cruiser, but we would stick with something that has the same basics tenets of reliability, ruggedness and being easy to maintain. We would also look at something that is more common (like America’s best selling vehicle the Ford F-150), so there would be plenty of spare parts to poach if needed. Whatever you decide on, make sure you know your way around it, properly maintain it, carry spares, and know how to fix common breaks.